


I'll Never Love Again

by mapplethorne_2212



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Aged up characters, M/M, This is angsty and sad, happy ending? i hope so, i miss panwink for the nth time, i needed tissues because i cried so hard, i'm sorry jihoon and guanlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 11:50:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19317598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mapplethorne_2212/pseuds/mapplethorne_2212
Summary: "I'll let go from hugging you, Lin, but I'll never let any of our memories go, no matter how much it hurts remembering those scenes."





	I'll Never Love Again

**Author's Note:**

> The song I'll Never Love Again hit me so hard in my kokoro I am: hurt. I'm sobbing in the most ugly way because this really hurts. Kind of unedited but I'll try fixing this as soon as I can. I'm sorry for the inaccuracies and if there are typographical errors.

The autumn leaves crumbled beneath his feet as he walked along the long pavement, trying to drown his mind from all the things running in his mind, making him regret every single decision he made in a year. He tried not to let out a pitiful sob when he remembers again how Guanlin held his hand as they walked along this familiar road, the smile on their lips a true glory to behold.

  
It was 23 minutes after midnight, the cold breeze brushing along him as he stares at the lamps illuminating a dim light, leading him back to his apartment.

 

**_"Hoon, come closer or else you'll be cold. You're so stupid for not bringing any jacket."_ **

  
**_Grinning at the pale, taller guy, Jihoon pressed himself on the other's side, clinging onto his arm as he looked up at him, eyes twinkling brighter than the lights along the city._ **

  
**_"I don't mind not bringing any jacket, Lin. I know you're there to keep me warm no matter how cold the season is."_ **

  
**_Eyes crinkling into crescents, Guanlin propped an arm around Jihoon's shoulder and pulled him closer, deeply in love with the man beside him to even argue about it._ **

  
_**Only by now, it's Jihoon's turn to ask himself why he hadn't brought any warm material for his self. Eyes prickly with the tears he always try to hide, he walked faster. There's no tall guy that would keep him warm now. There's no one.** _

  
And there's nothing to alleviate the pain of the nearing winter brings, he feels cold inside. Numb with all the frozen memories that formed into an iceberg, standing still in time.

* * *

After locking the door upon his arrival at his apartment, Jihoon leaned against the door, a sharp intake of breath being the only thing that can be heard in the place. He sinks down to his knees, hugging them as he finally let the tears spill out, aware yet unprepared for another scene of a breakdown. His eyes wandered across the room, seeing the faint shadows of the couch, the table, the books, and a silhouette he's been missing for the last one year of being alone.

  
He wanted to be independent, and it is such a regrettable decision to be selfish of his freedom, especially when it means he has to detach himself with the thought of settling down with a long time relationship. This is what he wants, to be alone. But why isn't he happy? Why isn't he contented? Why is he still in pain?

  
Basking in the little to no comfort of the dark place, he let out a sob and a chain of bitter laugh. His throat felt raspy and dry, his eyes want to give up already, he is tired. It didn't help that his unstable mind is playing tricks with him, feeding him with illusions that Guanlin is still there, sitting on the couch and smiling at him. That he's smiling at him before mumbling an I love you more than anything in the world, Jihoon.

 

Tilting his head up, his blurry sight trying to focus its gaze at the ceiling as his tears roll down, biting his lip harshly as he remembers the old times of them being together.

 

**_"Lin, what's your favorite thing about me?"_ **

  
**_Guanlin, in deep thought, pulled Jihoon closer as they cuddle on the couch. He seemed to be lost in the moment, thinking of a coherent sentence to say._ **

  
**_"Everything about you is my favorite, hyung. It's hard finding just one thing that I love about you when all your aspects give unique reasons to keep me loving you even more."_ **

  
**_He felt heat creep up to his cheeks, and Jihoon rested his head on Guanlin's chest, listening to the wild heartbeats that matches the pace of his. He sighed contentedly and whispered._ **

  
**_"I hope we stay like this forever, Lin. I don't know what will happen to me if I lose you."_ **

  
**_The taller just smiled and peck the top of his head. He started humming Jihoon's favorite song, and his eyes fell close, taking comfort in Guanlin's voice as sleep lulls him in._ **

  
Loud painful sobs are emitted as Jihoon slid down to the floor, curling into a fetal position as he continued to cry his heart out.

  
He sees Guanlin everywhere in his peripheral vision, but when he averts his gaze to where he thinks he sees him, truth slaps him hard with the fact that Guanlin is gone in his life.

  
His eyes closes, breathing is becoming hard. And before he can think of anything else, he passed out.

 

**_"Hoon, I told you, don't sleep on the floor nor stay late up at night playing those shooting games. That's unhealthy."_ **

  
**_Guanlin had always been worried about health, saying that it is the most important priority of every living thing in the world. And even when Jihoon don't want to comply with Guanlin's worried advices, he always chose to throw his controller away and stand up to turn everything off. Encircling his arms around Jihoon's waist, he pecks the smaller one's lips and whispers._ **

  
**_"I want you to be healthy, Hoon, so please don't do anything like this again. You're important. You really are."_ **

  
**_And Jihoon will always, always lean closer, humming in agreement._ **

  
**_"You too, Lin. I hope you take care of yourself too. Always."_ **

  
**_Guanlin smiled at him and cupped Jihoon's cheek, kissing his lips as slowly as he can, relishing in the moment of their mouths molding as if made to be one._ **

 

Waking up to that same dream as he's down on the floor didn't make anything better. He feels worse today than yesterday.

  
His eyes darted to a picture frame hanged above the couch.

  
He felt his chest constrict with pain upon seeing them together in the picture, dressed in matching formal wear, sunset behind them, the sea reflecting the beautiful colors of the sky. It was when they celebrated their 3rd anniversary, the time they continued to believe that forever exists.

  
_**"This is like a wedding picture, hyung, without the rings."** _

  
_**Jihoon flicked his forehead and smiles as Guanlin rubs the spot, pouting.** _

  
_**"Lin, we're still young, we have the world in front of us and it's big, we have to explore it first before settling down and having plans for our future."** _

  
_**Guanlin stared into his eyes and smiles a bit.** _

  
_**"Hyung, we're adults now, shouldn't we be thinking about the paths we'll take together for our future?"** _

  
_**Jihoon felt something constrict in his gut. Unexplained emotions mixing together. He doesn't know. He lowers his gaze and whispers.** _

  
_**"Lin, don't you think we should explore the world more? Plans about settling down can come later, let's just enjoy the way we are now as we go to our adventures."** _

  
_**Guanlin didn't say anything, and the air around them feels heavy, but then he leaned down and pecks Jihoon's head, mumbling.** _

  
_**"If that's what you want, love, then I'll agree to it."** _

  
Jihoon forced himself to get up and walk closer to the picture, caressing the printed face of his past lover, feeling the familiar prick behind his eyelids.

  
_'What if I chose to settle down with him when he asked me about it? Will anything be different right now? Will he still be by my side?'_

  
Jihoon's arms dropped to his sides as he stared at the picture.

  
Because now, even when he knows the answer, there will be nobody there that will smile to him and appreciate the answer. There's nobody but him.

* * *

Woojin asked him to meet up as he's finally back from travelling. Jihoon wanted to cheer his self up, but at the cafe, he stared outside the glass windows, completely spaced out with the thought of how Guanlin and him will walk past this cafe, hand in hand as they laugh about stupid jokes.

  
"Jihoon, not to be a bad friend or what, but you look like shit. Have you been eating? You look like a dehydrated zombie. Have you seen yourself? Huh? You look like utter shit!"

  
But just like before, his gaze remained far away from the questions, effectively avoiding them. He keeps his lips tightly pressed together as his best friend continued to mumble on after sipping his iced coffee drink.

  
"Jihoon, look at me."

  
And so Jihoon did, doe eyes puffy from all the crying he had done for weeks. Woojin leaned back and sighed as he stares at him, lips forming into a thin line.

  
"You know, it was mainly your decision to end the relationship with him even though I do not understand why. He had always been the one around you, taking care of you and being your sunshine. He had always given you everything you want, the stares, the kisses, the cuddles, heck he could have given you his whole life, Hoon."

  
And Jihoon teared up. He was stupid. Guanlin was right, they were adults. While most of their friends settled down, they watched them as they get lost in the adventure of building a family, taking the journey of being together even when there are uncertainties.

  
Jihoon thought he wanted to be free and that being with Guanlin as he ventures in what makes him happy is restricting him from enjoying. He wanted to be free. He wanted to explore the world alone, and a person who wants to settle down travelling beside him is too much.

  
That was what he thought before. But now, it's so damn regretful.

  
Because Guanlin wouldn't be there to hold his hand as they watch new things unfold in front of their eyes. He wouldn't watch the way the sun rise and sets with Jihoon beside him at the beach. He wouldn't be there for him.

* * *

_**"Guanlin, let's.... Let's break up."** _

  
_**The guy across him stared at him blankly, already putting the pieces together and figuring out everything. It's painful, he thought, when the thing that you don't want to happen is being enacted in front of you. It's painful because it's not what you're thinking at 1 in the morning, sleep not taking over you. This is the real thing. And even if he knew the answer already, he chose to probe around it and hear it from Jihoon himself.** _

  
_**"Why?"** _

  
_**Jihoon, his eyes not meeting Guanlin's, looked down and whispered.** _

  
_**"I'm not happy anymore. I know you promised me you'll wait until the time I say I'm ready to be with you for my whole life, but every time you look at me with expectation in your eyes, the way you indirectly say we have to be together as soon as we can, it gives me pressure. It's too restricting when you're always there. It's making me hard to breathe, and I want to free myself from everything. I don't want you meddling with the things I want. I don't like the way you involve yourself in those things, you try to fit in, but Guanlin, I liked it more when I don't feel pressured by someone else expecting me to give them myself when asked once. It's... not me. And settling down... I guess, is not my thing."** _

  
_**Guanlin takes a deep breath and averted his gaze.** _

  
_**"I thought it was painful imagining that one day, we'll arrive at this moment. But it's more painful now that we're actually here, making it come true."** _

  
_**He laughed humorlessly, voice void of any happiness.** _

  
_**"I love you, Hoon. I meant it when I said I was going to wait for you. After being with you for three years, I thought we knew our real selves. I thought you knew what I meant with the words I say, or with the things I do for you. I thought you'd want to be with me even with the uncertainties. I didn't expect you to say anything as soon as I told you about settling down. I expected you to see that fact that I was willing to give you everything you want. I expected you to see that it doesn't matter how long I wait for you, but why do I think that... even after three years, you still didn't know even half of my heart?"** _

  
_**Guanlin smiled bitterly.** _

  
_**"If you really want to be free, then let's part ways. I don't want to trap you in this cage of my selfishness and my wants. I'm sorry, I am younger and I sounded childish proposing to you already. I'm sorry I've made you feel like I was meddling with everything you do, because I thought we're in those together. I guess this is good bye, hyung?"** _

  
_**Guanlin patted Jihoon's cheek and sighed before continuing.** _

  
_**"I love you, then and now, and maybe until future comes, I can never erase you in my memories. But I don't want to hinder you in doing what you're happy at. Your happiness is the most important, and I'm not gonna hold you back anymore. I wish you all the best things in this world. I love you, hyung. Take care of yourself."** _

  
_**Guanlin stood up from his seat and started to walk away, but not after a final glance to Jihoon and a soft whisper.** _

  
_**"Don't worry, hyung, I may be hurting right now, but I'm sure, I'll forget."** _

  
_**And then he's gone.** _

  
For the next few weeks, Jihoon convinced himself was free from what restricted him before. He thought he was free from the unseen chains that held him back in going all out to do what he wants to. He thought he was happy.

  
But then it all dawned to him like a damn bulldozer.

  
Nobody checked on him when he oversleeps, nobody reminding him that it's not safe to just sleep on the floor, nobody cooking his favorite instant ramen, nobody patting his head and telling him _I'm glad you're happy_. There's nobody beside him when he eats his popcorn and it left him wondering why it feels like he's eating a much larger portion than before. There's nobody beside him when he feels asleep, arms wrapped around him until he wakes up, limbs tangled with Guanlin's.

  
There's nobody taking care of him.

  
There's nobody that understands him anymore.

  
There's nobody showing him the affection he wants.

  
There's no Lai Guanlin that makes him smile.

  
There's no Guanlin in his life anymore.

  
**None.**

* * *

He's been wallowing in his self-pity. If he had been careful about his decisions and thought as careful and meticulous as he can, it might not turned to something like this.

  
The days turned to months, and months to year. He is a mess, he knows that, and the mark of the second year since they broke up is haunting him.

  
His friends stopped asking about the reasons, and what happened. He can't bring himself to talk about his past lover.

  
_Two fucking years, and yet I still can't move on._

  
It was a pity, and as Jihoon, on the day of their supposed to be 5th year of being together, walked along the shore of a familiar place, forced a smile. The setting sun gave off a melancholic warmth, and he can't stop a tear from rolling down.

  
Years ago, there were two persons chasing each other along the sands of the beach, hugging and pecking each other under the setting sun.

  
Now, there's only one, and he's crying.

  
He doesn't want to be hugged by another person. He only want to bask in the warmth Guanlin gives him every single time they hugged. He doesn't want to start another relationship. He can't see himself being with someone else other than Guanlin, with the only person he loved so dear. He doesn't want to be kissed, unless it will be Guanlin who'll be leaning close to him and tasting his mouth. The thought of kissing another man disgusted him. He wanted Guanlin, and he'll always be wanting him. Even with the unresolved and partially closed break up, he doesn't want to give his heart to someone new. Guanlin owned his heart, and forever it will be his to keep. Blinking a few times, he tried so hard to force himself to turn around and leave the place before another scene of Guanlin flashes right before him.

  
He needs to move on, by now Guanlin may have already moved forward. But he can't bring himself to do so. He loved him. He loves Guanlin. And he will always love him.

  
Turning away from the breath taking scene in front of him, he gasped, tears forming in his eyes again, threatening to fall anytime.

  
A few feet away from him stood the very epitome of handsomeness, the very reason for his pain, eyes fixed on him as he stood still.

  
"G-guanlin..."

  
And as selfish as he always had been, he walked in slow, agonizing steps towards him, engulfing him in a hug as he tried to keep his voice straight.

  
"Let me hug you for now, Lin. Please... let me hug you for now, let me say the things I haven't said two years ago."

  
He felt the man in his arms freeze, yet he didn't stop there. Not now, when he's right in front of him.

  
"I've been childish. I thought I'll be happy once you're gone. I thought it will be alright even if that one person who always supports you is not beside you anymore. But Guanlin, it's hard. It's hard waking up in the morning with regrets, wishing I should have taken up the courage to be with you for my whole life, wishing that you're right there, warming my cold morning with your tight hugs, but every time... Every single time that I open my eyes, truth slaps me hard in the face with the fact that you're gone from me, that you're never going back. I wish I didn't think of myself only way back then. I didn't realize that you gave me all of you. You gave me everything. Yet I only thought of myself."

  
He inhales Guanlin's scent and looks up at him, eyes meeting his in a forlorn look on his face. Jihoon smiled, one that seemed too fake.

  
"I'll let go from hugging you, Lin, but I'll never let any of our memories go, no matter how much it hurts remembering those scenes. And if there's still a chance, if that isn't really the end for anything, I wish to run back to you, just tell me... That it's still me who is in your heart. That you're willing to have me again."

  
He's not making any sense, he knows it. But he can't think of anything. And he just sobbed, crying so hard as slender fingers raked his brown locks slowly.

  
"Hoon, I don't want any of these anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of forcing myself to move on, to stop myself from wanting to hold you in my arms again. I'm tired dealing with the sleepless nights that I starve to be with you again. I'm tired Jihoon. I'm tired of going back to the past, where I should have not told you I was giving you up. I should have not let you go and have that stupid freedom. So if you really want to be with me again for the rest of our lives, don't let go. Don't let go from hugging me."

  
And Jihoon is still selfish for wanting Guanlin for himself. He'll be selfish to have him now, and start again with him, stay with him forever and free from regret. So he tightened his hug, Guanlin's arms wrapping around Jihoon's small frame. Tear stained cheeks, yet smiles pasted on their lips.

  
**"I love you, Guanlin. Let's start again?"**

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still: hurt. I hope you still liked this one though. : (


End file.
